Boundary setting template

One of the most common things people seek my help for is to build solid assertive communication skills. Oftentimes, this is relevant in the form of boundary setting. Some feel paralyzed and unsure where to begin, so they continue building resentments and sacrificing their own comfort to “keep the peace.” Some notice a tendency to overcorrect and throw down rigid boundaries when they may not be totally necessary. (Brene Brown explores this “Boundary Bully” concept here.)

“Gosh, Hayley. This feels like a lot. I don’t know where to even start.”

Girl, I got you.

There’s a lot of things to unpack when someone (especially a woman) decides to pivot and be more intentional with assertive communication. Societal norms, gender roles, family expectations, habitual reactions… there’s a lot here. Take a breath. We’re learning. You’re good.

The deep seeded stuff mentioned above will take some time to process. It will also take practice to change the way you communicate and assert yourself. I find it useful to follow a template. Having a concrete example is often super useful when learning something new. So here we go.

Set it up

Self-awareness is critical for healthy boundary setting and assertive communication. Take the time necessary to gain clarity around what is bothering you, how it’s making you feel, and any ideas you have on how to move forward in a healthy manner before you charge into a conversation. In terms of actually setting up a time to discuss with someone else, keep in mind that people do better with a heads up. This doesn’t have to be initiated with the dreaded phrase, “We need to talk,” but do find a way to schedule a conversation. You want it to be in a reasonable place, at a respectable time of day, and with as few distractions as possible. Depending on the situation, it may also be beneficial to establish an end time.

Step one: Validate

The very first thing you want to do is validate the other person. The key with this step is to be genuine. If you attempt to start a conversation by just blowing smoke, it’s not likely to go well. This might feel like a tall order initially. I get that. With some practice, you will see that you can almost always find something to validate, even when talking with someone you don’t particularly like or agree with.

“I can see that…”

“I understand…”

“I appreciate…”

“Thank you for…”

Step two: State the facts

Ahhh, state the facts. This seems obvious but can be really tricky. With this step, it’s important you don’t embellish. Resist the urge to criticize, accuse, blame, etc. You want to be direct and concise here rather than offload a big list of concerns. If it’s available and appropriate for the situation, you can include more exact specifics, like the number of times you’ve noticed the present issue.

“I’ve noticed…”

“… has happened several times.”

Step three: Share your feelings

It may take some self-reflection and practice at accurately identifying your emotions before you feel confident with this step. The goal here is to communicate clearly what the impact has been and to take ownership of your feelings. You might feel the most vulnerable with this part of the process. Keep it as simple and direct as possible. You’re going to say, “I feel…” followed by an emotion. Here again, we aren’t blaming. We are defining the emotions we experience in relation to the topic at hand, and taking proper ownership of those emotions.

“I feel…”

Step four: Set the boundary or negotiate options

This might sound confusing, so let me clarify. This is the point of the conversation in which you are going to assert your boundary. You’re going to say what you need. There will be some circumstances, though, where you will need to collaborate with the other person and reach a solution together. In fact, this will be the appropriate approach the majority of the time. Sometimes it will be in your best interest to make a boundary independent of the other person, and that’s okay, too.

“What I need is…”

“Going forward, my expectation is…”

“I’ve decided to…”

“It would help me if…”

“Would you be open to…”

“Can we brainstorm ideas on how to…”

Example A—Workplace

Let’s say you love your job and the people you work with, but you’re also totally overwhelmed. Your responsibilities have changed, and you’re taking on a lot more than you did at the beginning. You are looking for additional support and a pay increase to reflect your important role in the company.

Set it up: You’ve walked through this format and have a good understanding of your own emotions and what is contributing to your dissatisfaction. You’ve talked to colleagues and researched compensation structures for other people in your role. You reached out to your boss to schedule a one-on-one meeting. It will be during the work day, in the conference room, and scheduled to be 45 minutes. Only the two of you will be attending.

Step one: “Thank you for taking the time to meet with me. I enjoy working with you, and I love working for this company.”

Step two: “When I started, I was supporting 10 clients total. I’m now supporting 25 clients, and that number increases quarter to quarter. I’m not able to complete all my responsibilities within a normal work week. I’m often working from home in the evenings and on weekends.”

Step three: “My current workload has me feeling quite overwhelmed. I sometimes feel unappreciated, which increases my anxiety about work.”

Step four: “I’d like to discuss an increase in my salary to reflect the way my role has expanded. I’d also like to revisit the number of clients and tasks I am responsible for.”

Example B—In-laws

In this hypothetical situation, you are very happily married and live reasonably close to both your and your spouse’s family. You’ve noticed that you tend to spend most holidays with your partner’s family, and it’s starting to become an issue for you. It’s not that his family is miserable to be around, it’s just that you’d like to prioritize time with your parents and siblings, too.

Set it up: You noticed your feelings and spent time working to understand them better. You have clarity and feel ready to share your thoughts with your spouse. You text to let them know something is on your mind that you’d like to talk about. You plan to chat tonight while eating dinner and finish in time to watch an episode of the show you’re binging together.

Step one: “I understand family traditions are important to you. I love that about you.”

Step two: “I’ve noticed we often spend holidays with your family. In fact, the last three holidays in a row were spent at your parents’ house.”

Step three: “I feel sad and a bit resentful about this. I miss spending quality time with my family around the holidays.”

Step four: “Can we brainstorm ideas on how to find more balance in the way we spend holidays?” 

Example C—Marriage

Let’s have this one be a bit more complicated. We’ll put a bit more emphasis on preparing yourself in the initial step as well as demonstrate what it might look like if negotiating is not the appropriate approach. Let’s say you’ve been married for five years. During that time you discovered your spouse is misusing prescription drugs and alcohol and has had multiple affairs. You’ve sought therapy, supported rehabilitation efforts, and tried to work through these challenges, but you no longer feel you can remain married.

Set it up: You spent time reflecting and have come to a decision. You have written your thoughts down following this format and plan to bring your notes with you so you can stay as calm and confident as possible. You let your partner know you have something you’d like to talk about with them, and have set up a time to meet at the house. You’re best friend will be waiting in the driveway and ready to drive you somewhere else after 20 minutes. If your spouse doesn’t show, you plan to communicate your decision via text.

Step one: “I know you are dealing with some difficult things. I see the pain you carry from childhood. It hurts my heart that you had to live through the things you did. I know you are doing the best you know how.”

Step two: “In the five years we’ve been married, you have chosen to be unfaithful multiple times. You depleted our bank accounts and maxed our credit cards to fund your drug habit several times, which has significantly impacted both our credits. You’ve missed many important events and left me to go by myself, like our nephew’s birthday and our wedding anniversary last month. I’m often home alone with no idea where you are or whether or not you are safe.”

Step three: “All of this together has me feeling very lonely and upset. I feel a lot of anger and resentment. I also feel a lot of sadness for myself, for you, and for where we are as a couple.”

Step four: “I want a divorce. I’ve met with an attorney, and they will be in touch once the paperwork is ready to be signed. I’ll be staying with my parents while we get things arranged.”

A note on this hypothetical circumstance: you are likely to have more challenges in terms of scheduling a time as it can be a gamble on whether or not the partner will be able to show up at all, let alone mentally and emotionally. It may be more realistic to have this conversation spontaneously, like at a time you just happen to both be home, or with a support person there with you. It might even be appropriate to send something like this in a text message. Even if the conversation happens spontaneously out of necessity, don’t go into it without having spent time to self-reflect and gain clarity. Consider writing your thoughts and responses for each of these steps. You will likely need to reflect back on them in order to maintain clarity and self-assurance about your decision.

Conclusion

Assertive communication and boundary setting are not things we’re just born knowing how to do. They require intentional effort. The more you practice, the more natural it will be become. Keep in mind—just because it feels uncomfortable doesn’t mean it’s wrong. If you are following these steps with as much sincerity and self-reflection as you can, then you are doing your part to prioritize your needs in a healthy, appropriate way.