What is a boundary?

“Boundaries” has become something of a buzz word in some contexts. And, hey—therapy talk included in casual conversation? I’m here for it! Sometimes boundaries become over simplified, other times they’re made out to be too complex. Sometimes they’re even weaponized and misused altogether. In this post, we’re going to simplify things quite a bit. (If you’re looking for specific, thorough steps on how to have a full on discussion with someone about boundaries, you want this.) Let’s do some super basic, side by side comparisons of what a good boundary entails.

Boundaries are clear, direct, and concise.

Boundaries are not aggressive, condescending, or left to the imagination.

Explanation: We’re not looking for a robotic, cold version of yourself when you communicate your boundary. Being clear and direct is not the same as being short or arrogant. In fact, Brene Brown reminds us that “clear is kind” when it comes to expressing your needs. Wh,at we want to avoid is a rage-fueled list of reasons why someone needs to change. We also don’t want to over-explain ourselves or, on the opposite extreme, simply cut ties with someone without explanation. Those strategies may help you to feel more in control on some level, but they aren’t doing anything to promote healthy, connected relationships.

Example: Say you’re approached by a man wanting to get your phone number, and you’re not interested. It’s not necessary to aggressively scream at him or list all his immediate flaws. It’s also not useful to just ignore his presence or disregard his request. You don’t owe him a thorough explanation or a tremendous amount of kindness. A boundary in this scenario might sound like, “No thanks, I’m not interested.” And then let your body language and behavior match that statement.

(It is worth noting that women have legitimate concerns about safety in scenarios like these. I don’t mean to minimize that reality. Instead, I hope to offer an idea of what a boundary could look like in an effort to minimize the noise caused by societal expectations. If you feel you’re in legitimate danger and giving a phone number is what it would take to get yourself out of that situation, by all means. Trust your gut, and do what you have to do to get out of there. If you feel reasonably safe and notice a tendency to people please or go on the other extreme of causing a raucous, consider something clear and concise like this. End of caveat.)

Boundaries are intended to protect your overall wellbeing.

Boundaries are not an excuse to blame, ignore, or punish.

Explanation: If you feel the need to set a boundary in order to protect yourself somehow, it’s probably wise to do so. Boundaries can be weaponized, though, if they’re used as a strategy to point fingers and dodge personal accountability. Especially when other people are involved, boundaries are an invitation to collaborate. You can absolutely advocate for yourself. I encourage you to do so! But remember that blaming other people for your discomfort or insecurity is not likely to lead you towards self-assurance and empowerment. Boundaries done right will help us address concerns directly. We can’t blame our kids, ignore our friends, or punish our spouses and claim we’re on a path toward emotional resilience and genuine relationships.

Example: Say you’re grocery shopping at Costco on a Saturday and have all you kiddos with you. It’s crowded, it’s loud, it’s the worst. You’re grumpy and snapping at your kids. Your kids are whining and crying and begging for every. Single. Snack. It’s taking you twice as long as you planned it to take. (This is purely hypothetical… Not from my own life... Cough.) It would be so easy to blame the crowds, ignore your kids, or even throw out punishments for their incessant requests and obnoxious behavior. But pause… are these strategies actually giving you greater peace? You are the adult, and you are responsible to protect your own energy. A boundary to your kids might sound something like this: “Listen guys, I am overwhelmed. I am not buying anything that isn’t on our list. The answer will be no, so please stop asking.” If they keep asking, you might deliver another boundary. “I told you the answer is no, and I haven’t changed my mind. I’m not going to answer you anymore.” Can you see the difference in expressing these limits and giving your kids the chance to understand and adapt their behavior versus shutting down and ignoring them from the get go? With boundaries like these, you are actively working to protect your wellbeing while also staying connected with the little ones you love. And for the record, “I’m not shopping at Costco with my kids on a Saturday anymore” is another totally appropriate boundary you may feel the need to establish.

Boundaries are are inherently vulnerable.

Boundaries are not a strategy to bully, control, or manipulate.

Explanation: Setting boundaries is often times an uncomfortable experience because of the vulnerability it involves. It requires self-awareness, intentionality, and courage. Ultimately, boundaries are usually a request to collaborate rather than to draw a hard line. Whether it’s your boss, your neighbor, your spouse, or someone else, you can expect a certain level of discomfort when discussing boundaries. Exposing your needs to another person is super vulnerable! If you’re noticing yourself become aggressive or critical or trying really hard to stay in control of a situation or person, it’s likely you’re not coming at this boundary discussion from a steady, fair place. If that’s the case, take some more time to reflect on what you’d like to see change both within yourself as well as with the other person. Boundaries aren’t made to control. They’re made to protect yourself or someone else and are delivered with respect.

Example: Say you’ve made the decision to get sober after noticing some negative impacts alcohol has had on your health and personal life. Your friends plan a get together at a local bar, and you’re feeling uneasy about it. You could choose to embrace the vulnerability of setting a boundary for yourself that you feel is necessary. That might sound like, “I’d love to get together! Can we find some locations that don’t serve alcohol?” This is vulnerable! There’s no guarantee they’ll support this suggestion. Some people might be irritated with you, and that’s part of the deal. You can’t control how other people respond to your request, but it’s still up to you to advocate for your own needs and take the risk of putting yourself out there. If you immediately laid into your friends about how insensitive they are or labeled them all as alcoholics that are going to regret their decisions or decided they don’t care about you and stopped interacting with them at all, then, sure. You may have avoided the vulnerability of an honest conversation. The problem now is that you also have to deal with the fallout of mistreating your friends. You could convince yourself you’re better off without them. You might feel some serious righteous indignation. The hard reality in examples like this one, though, is that you chose to completely bypass the chance for connection. You didn’t give the opportunity to have your friends show up with love and support in your new venture. You denied yourself, and them, the opportunity for genuine friendship. Vulnerability is scary. It’s also impossible to create and maintain fulfilling, long-lasting relationships without it.