Betrayal Trauma
Betrayal trauma can leave you feeling absolutely shattered and in shock. The emotional pain is excruciating and often leads to mental strain and physical discomfort as well. Betrayal can lead you to question yourself, your partner, future potential connections, and even other people in general. Let’s walk through what betrayal trauma is, how it effects survivors, and how you can heal.
What is betrayal trauma?
Betrayal trauma occurs when we are betrayed by someone we have relied on for emotional support and closeness. This can absolutely happen between friends and family. Usually, though, at least in my own clinical training and direct work with clients, people refer to betrayal trauma in the context of a romantic relationship. Betrayal trauma describes the deep emotional wound caused when trust is violated by a significant other, often through the discovery of infidelity or compulsive sexual behavior. Simply put, learning you have been betrayed by a spouse or significant other is traumatizing. The trauma stems not only from learning of the specific intimate boundary violations but from the correlated manipulation and deception as well.
What is the impact of betrayal trauma?
The person who was betrayed can experience a wide range of symptoms following the initial exposure. Common symptoms include difficulty sleeping, nightmares, avoidance behaviors, numbness, hypervigilence, irritability, anger outbursts, and social isolation. It is worth noting that many of these symptoms mirror those of individuals with PTSD. Betrayal trauma is more than just having hurt feelings. This is a severe emotional wound that can leave a person feeling completely alone and unstable mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. People who have been betrayed often report feelings of shock, embarrassment, shame, loneliness, anger, resentment, confusion, fear, apathy, and heartbreak.
As you can imagine, a person’s reality is shaken when betrayal is discovered or disclosed. There are numerous unanswered questions and other considerations for a person to take into account. Here are some of the common battles individuals face in response to being betrayed.
Is this the whole truth? How do I know if it is?
I don’t want to out my partner. Who can I even talk to about this?
Could I have prevented this? Should I have seen it coming?
Do I need to be tested for STIs?
Do I stay or do I go? How will this impact our family?
How do I figure out what my options are and which one is best for me?
How can I heal from betrayal trauma?
Please hear me when I tell you—healing is possible. You will not feel this intense devastation forever, especially if you secure appropriate support. Consider these three elements as you work to recover from betrayal trauma.
Acknowledge, honor, and experience your emotions
Acknowledging the betrayal and the associated emotions is an important first step. This is something that you could choose to ignore and bury. Let’s just acknowledge that reality; that is an option. But if you choose to look at it closely and allow yourself to witness and experience the emotions that come up for you, then you really can heal. In fact, you an even come out the other side stronger and more self-aware than ever. Resist the urge to minimize your feelings. If you feel mad, be mad. If you feel heartbroken, be heartbroken. There is no such thing as a right or wrong emotion. If you feel it, your body needs you to actually feel it.
Prioritize self-care and self-compassion
Building an awareness of your own needs and limits is hugely important to your betrayal trauma recovery. This includes allowing yourself to experience your emotions, like crying with you feel defeated or screaming into a pillow with you’re full of rage. It also includes taking care of yourself and honoring your own limits. It’s likely you aren’t used to making yourself a priority and that this will feel foreign. You may need some time to get good at it. That’s totally fine. Offer yourself grace. It’s ok to start small with this. Make sure you are fed and hydrated. Move your body gently. Simplify your days as much as possible—do you need to take a day off work? Would it help if the kids went to their grandparents’ house for the day? Can you delegate other responsibilities? You are dysregulated. Your nervous system is literally in overdrive and needs time to rest. It’s not realistic you will be able to maintain your usual level of productivity without compromising your overall wellbeing. Even if you have difficulty falling or staying asleep, allow yourself time to slow your mind and body.
Seek out quality support both socially and professionally
It is healthy for you to lean on trusted others through this process. You can still respect the person who betrayed you without sacrificing your own need for social support. It is valid and appropriate to share your story with those you trust. Ideally, you want to share with your loved ones who can support you, don’t judge you, and trust you to make your own decisions.
Clinical support is highly encouraged, specifically with someone who has experience in treating betrayal trauma. The profound emotional injury of betrayal leaves a person’s sense of safety and trust in crumbles. A wound this significant leads to complicated, intense emotional and psychological strain, which often leads to a long-term recovery process. You can trust that someone with experience in this area is going to be able to offer you a good amount of structure so you aren’t feeling totally detached while also showing great care and gentleness in honoring your experience exactly where you’re at. EMDR is a great trauma treatment modality for individuals looking to process through and heal from their pain related to betrayal.
Betrayal trauma is real. Your emotions are valid. You deserve respect and compassion as you work to create moments of peace, centeredness, and self-love. You can heal from this, and you don’t have to do it alone.
