Four general parenting styles: Perks, deficits, and tweaks to consider
I know it, and you know it: Momming is HARD. We want to nurture our kids and guide them into well-rounded, capable humans. And even with these good intentions, sometimes we fall flat. That is normal! Chances are, you are doing a hell of a job raising those kiddos! One of the best ways to continue improving your parenting efforts is to have a little more insight into the kind of parent you naturally are. If you can clearly see where you tend to fall in the following categories, then you can be more intentional around making any desired adjustments.
Allow me to introduce four main parenting types. These were first identified by developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind. Her pioneering research in the 1960s laid the foundation for understanding how different parenting approaches affect child development. Other researchers later expanded on Baumrind's work, refining and adding to her identified categories.
Authoritarian
You may be an authoritarian parent if you tend to have strict rules and an intense expectation of obedience without question. Parents in this category have high expectations and don’t feel the need to give any reasoning for the demands they place on their kids. They also tend to be less nurturing. If a mistake is made by the child, punishment typically follows. Concepts like, “Because I said so” or “Don’t ask questions” fit with this category.
Perks and Deficits
Children raised by authoritarian parents are often productive and obedient due to the feared consequence resulting from misbehavior. They often struggle with low self-esteem and high anxiety and find difficulty making their own decisions. They may also have a tendency to be overly aggressive because they were not taught how to properly manage anger. They may rebel against authority figures.
Tweaks
If you notice some authoritarian parenting in yourself and you’d like to adjust, here are some ideas on where to start.
Continue to have clear rules, but be more open to discussion. Answer questions as to why you have rules in place, and share how you anticipate your rules will benefit your kids overall.
Consider loosening expectations as appropriate. As you work to have more open discussions with your kids, you are likely to find they do have some reasonable suggestions. Take them seriously.
Find opportunities to be warm and loving. Kids definitely learn good things by having limits and appropriate responsibilities. They also need genuine, consistent tenderness in order to be well rounded, secure human beings. Smile. Laugh. Give a hug.
Discontinue punishment for natural learning experiences. It is reasonable to have consequences when rules are broken. Still, consider each scenario as they happen. Is punishment necessary, or is this an opportunity to show your child understanding, love, and patience?
Consider therapeutic support. If you tend to fall into this category as a parent, it is likely you grew up with this kind of parenting as well. If that’s the case, making these changes will feel impossible. Let me be clear, it IS possible and YOU CAN make those changes! But it is hard to go against everything that was modeled for you. Clinical support might be a big help as you work to improve your parenting strategies and connect more with your kids.
Permissive
Parents who fall into this category tend to be very warm and loving. They love to spoil. These parents avoid confrontation and have no expectations or rules for their kids. Children are allowed to make their own choices without considering potential negative impacts. You might describe them as behaving more like a friend than a responsible parent. “Whatever you want” might be a good slogan for the parents in this group.
Perks and Deficits
These kids do tend to have reasonably good self-esteem and decent social skills. Growing up with permissive parents can also lead kids to be demanding, immature, unmotivated, and impulsive. Since they are left to make their own decisions regarding bedtime, hygiene, diet, homework, screen time, and the like, it is not uncommon for problematic habits to arise. Since they have never had to answer to anybody, these kids may also resist authority figures and rules of society.
Tweaks
If you see permissive parenting as your main parenting style and you’d like to make some changes, you might start here.
Set reasonable boundaries. It is good for kids to know their limits. Basic expectations, like a reasonable bedtime and regular showers, are completely appropriate.
Provide routines and structure. Kids thrive when they can predict how things will go. Knowing which days they have school and where they sleep each night, for example, can help your child feel secure.
Support your kids in working towards a goal. You are loving and fun and you know your kids. What do they enjoy? Help them set a goal and consistently put in the effort to reach it. It’s good for kids to work hard.
Ask for help from peers. It is normal for this to feel overwhelming as it probably feels forced and unnatural. Connect with other parents to learn what has worked for them and brainstorm ideas.
Work with a therapist. It can be so helpful to have professional help navigating all these moving parts. You will most likely benefit from having someone there who can reassure you and offer suggestions as you make your desired changes.
Uninvolved
Uninvolved parenting features little warmth and few expectations. This type of parent is detached and provides little to no guidance, nurturing, affection, or attention, which leaves their children with a lot of freedom. Kids’ basic needs are met (food, housing, etc.) but emotional connection is pretty much nonexistent. These parents are typically unaware of the details of their kids’ lives in terms of who their friends are, what they enjoy doing, where they struggle, etc. because they don’t regularly talk or interact. Uninvolved parents can’t be bothered with the needs of their children.
Perks and Deficits
Sometimes kids with uninvolved parents are particularly resilient and independent. These can be admirable qualities, although having to develop these qualities due to lack of parental love and support can be traumatic. This type of upbringing can result in low self-esteem and less effective coping strategies. These kids also tend to have behavioral problems, social difficulties, and academic challenges.
Tweaks
There are steps you can take to modify your parenting style towards one with healthier, happier outcomes.
Take an interest in your child’s life. Learn about your kids and explore their interests. You can start with the most basic things like favorite colors, foods, and music.
Engage in conversation regularly. Here again, you can start simple. “Tell me about your day” is a great way to build a connection on a daily basis. Take it a step further by making eye contact.
Do something together. If you have the time, resources, and desire to do something extravagant like a vacation, that’s great. Go for it! That level of activity isn’t necessary for meaningful connection though. Play a game, go for a walk, prepare a meal, work in the yard… all of these can provide an opportunity to make memories. Having fun and working hard are great ways to build connection.
Show affection. Whether you come up with a cool handshake or give a hug before school, find a way to show your kids affection. They need that positive reassurance and connection, and you do too.
Seek support. Uninvolved parents are not bad people. Far from it. More likely, they simply don’t have the skills and knowledge on how to properly connect with their kids. They also probably have their own trauma and pain that plays a big role in their parenting style. Therapists have the tools needed to address childhood trauma so parents can be intentional in the relationships and patterns they develop with their own children.
Authoritative
This type of parenting is ideal for a lot of reasons. Being able to hold reasonable expectations for your kids while also providing genuine, consistent love and support is a really healthy dynamic for parents and children. Authoritative parents have realistic expectations in terms of household responsibilities, school work, social interactions, and self-care. Consequences for misbehavior are reasonable as they are treated as a discipline strategy rather than rigid punishment. Love, warmth, affection, laughter, patience, encouragement, and empathy are also consistently demonstrated towards children. Parents in this category have a genuine interest in knowing, understanding, and nurturing their kids.
Perks and Deficits
Children with authoritative upbringings are set up for success. They are often happy, capable kids who are able to work hard, make friends, and self-regulate. They also tend to have high self-esteem and strong academic achievement. These children grow up to be confident, responsible, independent adults that can nurture important relationships and effectively manage their emotions. While the balance of expectations and consistent support is generally steady in these homes, it is does happen that kids with this type of upbringing take on an added level of pressure to perform. This can lead to some anxiety and perfectionism regarding their academic achievement, extracurricular activities, athletic performance, and career aspirations.
Tweaks
Even if you primarily demonstrate this type of parenting and see the benefits of it in your children and your relationship with them, it is still exhausting work. Here are some things you can consider as you continue your efforts.
Make time for yourself. Being intentional and available for your kids is important for sure, but remember to prioritize your own needs as well. You can’t be the kind of parent you want to be if your own needs go unmet.
Share the load. If you have a partner, work together to share in the parenting responsibilities. If you’re single, find other influences that can support your efforts. Teachers, extended family members, coaches, and neighbors might be good places to secure that support.
Be patient. This applies to yourself as well as your kids. Things will not go according to plan all the time and your kids will not be free from struggle or misbehavior. Breathe deep and remember your role is monumental. You are doing good things even if the results aren’t clear 100% of the time.
Remember kids are kids. A polite, intelligent four-year-old is still four. He will make messes and experience emotional disregulation. A hard working, confident 16-year-old is still 16. She will have intense mood swings from time to time and probably want to push boundaries. Even with your kids developing great qualities, they still get to be kids. These behaviors can be difficult, but remember they are also age appropriate. They are expected. They are not evidence your child is damaged or that your parenting is subpar.
Secure formal support. Parenting comes with a lot of challenges and pokes a lot of our own insecurities and hurts. Having a place you can share your fears and address self-doubt is priceless. Working with a therapist can help you maintain a healthy perspective and recognize your successes.
